You think about her, too. Maybe less often as time goes on, but every once in a while she’ll pop into your thoughts. And sometimes you’ll miss her. Sometimes you won’t. She never takes over your life again, but there’s always a little part of her around. You may already know who I’m talking about. The person you were before you were a mama.
I often find myself thinking that I’ve lost myself in motherhood. I mean, I love being a mom. Especially to Nellie. She’s amazing and most days she makes it so easy. But there’s this little part of me that wonders where I went. I don’t need or want to be exactly who I was before. That person wasn’t mama to an amazing little girl. But I do miss her a little. I miss little parts of who I was.
It’s such a hard feeling to explain. The more I try to do that the more I find myself defending my words. It’s almost like I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t sound like a horrible mom for saying that I miss who I was before Nell. And I know that I’m not. See what I did there? Defended myself, like you all don’t know exactly what I’m talking about. I know that there are other moms out there that know this feeling and know how difficult it can be to describe.
It’s so funny because I find myself missing time to myself and then when I get it I find myself wondering when she’ll be back. How can that even be? Missing my time, but not really wanting it. There are times, much like tonight, where I’d like to send her back because she has pulled my tablecloth off, pulled her clothes out of her dresser, dumped out every single lego she owns, pulled out every single wipe and left them on the floor, hits me and Lucy, and won’t stop screaming for anything.
For those that might take that seriously or take offense, I am, of course, joking. I know I can’t send her back, I’d have to sell her. HAHA. Okay, I’m making this worse. I’ll be done.
Even after all the stuff I trip over and have to clean up, I still can’t imagine what life would be like without her. And I sure can’t remember what it used to be like. So, why do I miss me so much? Why do I still get those feelings of wanting time to myself? Is anyone else relating to this at all? I can’t possibly be alone in this.