Before I say anything, I want to say that I have an amazing support system. My husband, Bryan, is amazing. He has stepped into his role as daddy seamlessly. My parents and in-laws have been amazing in making sure that we have everything we need and that emotionally we’re okay. All of that said, I am really struggling as a new mommy.
Mom, I apologize for the next sentence. This shit is hard. That’s the best way to put it. There are so many things I feel like I’m missing. There are so many things I feel like I should know and I just don’t. It’s like there is this unwritten list of things moms should know and be. They should know why their baby is crying. They should know how to keep the house clean, cook, and maintain a productive life. They should be supermom. Right now, that’s not me.
I cry when she cries because I feel like I should know why she’s crying and I don’t. I feel like we haven’t bonded like we would have if I had been able to breastfeed. I feel like my house is a complete mess all the time because I’m tired. And why am I even tired? Bryan takes care of her overnight just as much as I do if not more than I do. I feel like my relationship with Bryan is nothing like it once was and there’s nothing I can do about it. I get that every mother goes through this. But I also know that every mother experiences it differently.
I wish I had someone near me that is experiencing the same feelings. I love that I have women that can speak truth and wisdom into my life, but there is something to be said for having another woman that just gets you at that exact moment. I wish I had been able to connect with another mom in the NICU, but how do you do that when you’re dealing with your own stuff? In that place, we’re both dealing with horrible things and it’s hard to connect when your under that kind of stress. I did join a few Facebook pages where I could ask questions and vent a little. And that was helpful. Those moms were able to tell me about their experiences, previous and current.
I recently connected with a mom from West Virginia through Facebook. She was looking for a NICU journal and I just happened to have one that I hadn’t been able to use. I also sent her the same book that True Love’s mom gave to me and Nell. If you don’t know that story, read it here. It has been so wonderful getting to share my experience with another mom. It has really helped me feel a little better about my inadequacies. I feel like talking with her has reminded me that I’ve already been through hell and back. And if I can do that, then I can get through this, right? West Virginia Mama, if you’re reading this, thank you. Thank you for continuing to reach out to me. I can’t explain how much I love being there for another mommy.
Nell is perfect, but there are times where I question whether or not I’m perfect for her. I want to be the perfect mom for her. That’s how my brain is wired. I have this weird obsession with needing things to be perfect or near perfect. And to fall short of that makes me feel like I’m failing. It doesn’t help that the extrovert in me is dying having to stay inside all day. I’m going crazy over here.
I know I’ll be okay. And I know I’ll figure this mommy stuff out. I’m am doing the best I can for Nellie and I know that’s all I can do.
Please pray for us. Pray that we figure this parenting thing out before we go crazy. Pray that we get through this quarantine period without losing our minds.