Today, I had an appointment with the lactation consultant. And I told her that I didn’t think breastfeeding was going to work for me and Nell. I told her that Nell has a hard time latching and I’m not producing enough for her.
She was so kind. She said she totally supported that decision. She said that every mother & baby experience is different. And I shouldn’t feel like this is the wrong choice.
I cried a little when I told the ladies at Sandals. I cried a lot when I told Bryan.
I know that what she’s gotten from me over the last two months has been so wonderful for her. I know that breastfeeding isn’t what makes me a good mom. I know that I will bond with her it other ways. But I also know that having this not happen for us is really hard. And that’s okay.
There hasn’t been a lot I can do for her since she was born, especially in the beginning. But I could provide her with milk. And it’s easier now to do things for her, other than that. We can give her a bath, we can change her diaper, and we can give her her bottle.
I’ll be okay. But, right now, I’m sad. I’m sad that I’ve lost that opportunity to have that kind of bond with her.
On a more positive note, Nell is killing it in there. I was with her at her 9am feeding and she got everything from the bottle! And she’s gained more weight. She’s at 2570g > 5lbs 10.6oz.
She also had some very special visitors today. I met Bettina and Suzanne through my mom. She took me on a women’s retreat with her church years ago and I was introduced to them. Since then, they have become two very important women in my life. I love these ladies with my whole heart. They are some of the most God-loving women I have ever known. And know that they are going to be part of Nell’s life reassured me that she is so loved and so prayed for.
I met Katie through Suzanne. Katie is her daughter-in-law and is due to have her sweet little girl not long before I was supposed to have Nell. She is so sweet and I’m so glad that she will be part of Nell’s life.
It was so special to have the three of them spend time with Nell.
Here she is with Bettina.
And Katie. The baby whisperer. Nell completely relaxed in her arms. She’s going to be an amazing mama.