I got some really great bonding time with Nell this morning. My visit started off great; one of her Fontana doctors was there today. It was so nice to see a familiar face.
I got to the hospital just as her feeding was ending. She wasn’t doing great, but it turns out she was just trying to poop. As soon as she finished she opened her eyes as wide as she could and just stared at me.
Because she had spit up she needed to be changed. So, the nurse took the time to show me the best way to get her out of a dirty onesie and into a new, clean one. Doing this is not easy. All of her tubes, cords, and wires definitely get in the way and make things difficult. But we got the hang of it. The nurse also taught me the best way to swaddle her with all of those in the way. She said, “you go ahead and do it. We’re here to help you, not the other way around.”
After she was all wrapped she just looked at me. She was wide awake the entire time I held her. Of course, she spit up again while I held her.
We had about 45 minutes together. And when her nurse walked back over we decided that it was best for her to get back to bed so she could rest. She definitely wasn’t doing that with me. Her nurse changed her and got her swaddled in a clean blanket.
My mama heart was so happy this morning. I definitely needed that time with her. Especially after what I was feeling over not going to see her yesterday morning.
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I had a small moment tonight where I felt like the worst mom. We got to her a little later than usual and her nurse told us that she tried to wait for us, but ended up giving her a bath and everything without us because she thought we weren’t coming.
I hate missing things like that. I don’t get to do them at home with her so I definitely don’t want to miss them.
I know we’ll have more chances to do those things. And I know that it’s really not a big deal, but I hate it. I just want to find a way to get past those feelings.