Since the day Nell was born I have been to see her at least two times a day – usually once in the morning and once in the evening. Every once in a while I’ll go in between, but I try not to so I don’t stress too much.
Tomorrow we’re headed to Bakersfield for the evening.
For Christmas, I bought Bryan tickets to see one of his favorite comedians – Bert Kreischer. Bakersfield was as close as he was going to get to us. So, this was planned thinking I would still be pregnant. Now that I’m not, things feel a little different.
I wrote about how I was feeling shamed at not being at the hospital enough. You can read about that here. So, naturally, going somewhere so far away made me feel worse.
Tonight Nell’s night nurse, Erica, said something to me that made me feel so good about the period of time I’m not at the hospital.
Erica: Stress plays a lot into your milk supply. Has anything been stressing you out?
Me: *looking around the NICU* Being here. Seeing her like this. Knowing that I can’t do a lot for her.
Erica: It is hard to be here, but if it’s too much for you sometimes don’t feel bad if you don’t come. It’s our job to be here and take care of her. If you feel like it’s going to stress you out maybe dad can come alone and you can take a break. And don’t feel bad about that. You’re doing a great job!
Me: I feel like a bad mom if I’m not here for her. If I can’t do anything the least I can do is visit.
Erica: Don’t feel bad. We see it all the time. And you can always call us at any time. Even if it’s during tour 1am or 4am pump. I will talk to you about her and how she’s doing.
Then I told her what we are doing tomorrow and she encouraged us to do more things together and not worry so much about Nell because she’s doing great. She said she thinks it’s awesome that we’re still going to this show.
You guys, I can’t tell you what that conversation meant to me. The last few days have been hard. I don’t know what’s happening but the tears are back and I can’t stop them. It’s getting harder to leave her and her nurses are seeing that. But being encouraged to take a break to pull myself together made me feel like I wasn’t making mistakes by not coming in the middle of the day. I felt like it was still okay to take care of myself.
Her nurses are so wonderful. Look at how amazing our girl is doing.
– she’s gaining weight! We’re at 4lbs 3oz!! She is retaining fluid so that’s where some of that weight is coming from. She still has some fluid to release, but she’s moving in the right direction.
– she’s up to 36ml every 3 hours. And she’s back down to 30 minute feedings. About a week or so ago they put on one hour feedings because she was spitting up a lot. A few days ago she went down to 45 minutes and did well. So now she’s back down to 30 minutes!
– she’s staying steady at 30% oxygen. They can’t go lower than 21% so she’s doing well. But we still want to see that go down.