Today was hard.
I took my time getting ready this morning. I washed my hair and blow dried it. I got to the hospital about 9, did some skin-to-skin, and just sat and watched her.
While I was there I overheard the doctor say that Nell’s night nurse had said her temperature was running a little high. She said that they would keep an eye on it because they weren’t sure if it was that her bed was too warm or if she was getting sick.
She didn’t say any of this to me. I cried for a minute and then pulled myself together.
I had my own appointment today. So, I stayed until I had to check in for that. When I had to put her back in her bed I cried again. And then cried some more on my way out.
After my appointment I went home to rest a little. And cried some more while I did laundry and ate lunch. I took a nap which only delayed more crying.
When Bryan got home we changed and ate some dinner. I cried during that, too.
We’re at the hospital now. I was excited to hold her only to be told that we really should wait. So, I cried again. And then I realized that I missed my pump time because of my mistake with timing. I had to use the hospital pump, which I hate. I cried the entire 20 minutes I did that, too.
I cried all day long.
And this is exactly why I volunteer. Because I don’t have time to think about what’s going on. I don’t have time to cry about it. Nell is doing so well, but it doesn’t make it easier.
We want her home. I would rather get up every hour and a half to feed her than every 3 hours to pump. I would rather hear her cry all day long than have to visit her in the hospital.
This whole thing is stupid. And that’s honestly the best way for me to describe it.
Today, I wasn’t okay. But I’ll be better tomorrow.