The other day I wrote about how we got to give her a bath for the first time. You can read about that here. Well, that wasn’t the first ‘first’ experience.
Today, I met my dad at the hospital so he could see Nell. He got to hold her and it was a really peaceful hour. After my dad put her back into her bed I began changing her diaper. I was almost done. I literally only had to pull the front of her new diaper up and tape it closed. Right as I went to pull her dirty diaper out…she pooped all over my hand. This was liquid poop that shot out and I actually caught it so it didn’t completely dirty her bed.
Four and a half weeks, people. We made it 4 1/2 weeks without getting pooped on. All I could do was laugh. I laughed so hard I cried. She smiled the entire time. We’re both hoping it happens to daddy soon.
I had one last ‘first’ this week.
I asked the charge nurse to remove one of the NICU nurses from my daughter’s room from yesterday forward. I was told by a family member, who is also a NICU parent, that I have every right to ask them for a specific nurse to not be with Nellie anymore.
Let me preface the rest of this with this: this lady is a great nurse. She was great with Nell, but not with me. And I should feel cared for just like Nell.
For three mornings in a row I was bombarded with information and “advice”. I put advice in quotes because she wasn’t making suggestions, she was telling me what I had to do. And not in a helpful way.
For the last three weeks I have been waking up to pump at 7am, getting ready to come visit Nell, then going to volunteer at Sandals church. And Bryan and I would always come back at night to do skin-to-skin holding. Sometimes I would hold her in the mornings and sometimes I would just sit with her.
This nurse told me, “maybe you shouldn’t be volunteering that much and come spend more time here, holding her. Then you wouldn’t have such a hard time pumping.” I was told I’m too high energy and stressed out. I was told, on Sunday, that my family could wait because I should hold her longer. My mom was told she couldn’t hold because it really should be me.
I was feeling shamed for not being here enough with her. I was feeling defensive because, the truth is, I’ve not been high energy. I’ve been handling this very well. And I’m stressed because she was stressing me out. I was feeling like a bad mom because I wasn’t doing what I needed to do.
So, I went to the charge nurse last night, after this particular nurse had left, and told her everything I was feeling. And then I asked her to remove her as Nell’s nurse. She was very kind about the situation. She apologized that I was being made to feel that way.
I am doing everything I can do for my little girl. But I am also doing what I need to do for myself. I have to take care of my mental health. How can I take care of her if I can’t take care of myself?
When I walked into her room this morning…she had a different nurse. I felt bad at first, but then realized that it was okay to think of myself, too.