Me: I don’t feel like she’s mine.
Other Person: Oh, she is.
Me: Yes, but I don’t feel connected to her like I want to be.
Other Person: Well, that’s not true.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had some variation of this conversation. I know that whoever is on the other end of that conversation means well, but it seems they aren’t understanding what I’m really saying. I’m not talking about what’s true and not true. I’m talking about how I FEEL. Those are two different things.
I know she’s mine, I gave birth to her. I know we’re connected, I can see it when she responds to my voice. But I’m not feeling it and that’s really hard for me. I hate saying that I’m going to visit my daughter. I hate walking in and having someone else tell me all about her. I know they’re taking great care of her, but I hate feeling like I don’t know her.
When I look at her I can feel the love I have for her. I know that I would do anything for her. But, still, something is missing. There’s just something I’m not feeling yet. I can’t put my finger on it and that’s the worst part. I don’t even know what I’m trying to feel.
I know it’ll happen, I just don’t know when.
On a brighter note, our girl is going AMAZING! She’s progressing so quickly I almost can’t keep up with her updates.
- She was moved to CPAP today. By tonight, she’s going off CPAP and on to what the doctor called ‘off the wall oxygen’. This means NO MORE MACHINE! I’m not sure how to best explain what it means for her, but I know it’s very good.
- She is done with the TPN and her PICC line is coming out today! One less thing she’s got on/in her.
- She’s up to 28ml for her feedings.
- In 2-3 weeks she’ll (hopefully) begin showing signs that she’s ready to suck. The nurses will introduce a bottle nipple to see how she does. From there we’ll move on to breastfeeding, which is our goal.
This also happened today.
Her grandpa got to hold her and it was amazing. I previously wrote about how special my relationship with my dad is and getting to be part of this moment was just as special. I can already see the kind of trouble these two will be getting into together.