Since Miss Nell made her debut Bryan and I have had our good days and bad days. Bryan is better about keeping his emotions in check. I have a little bit more trouble doing that. I tend to let everything out in the form of tears and anger.
Today has been a really rough day. Every morning around 11am I get a phone call from the doctor with an update on our girl. For the last week, those calls have been pretty much the same. “She’s doing well and here are the things we’d like to see improve further.” The phone call we got today was a bit different.
“Throughout the night Nellie had multiple moments where she stopped breathing. We’ve increased her oxygen, pressure, and rate. We’re sending blood cultures in for testing because we think she might be trying to fight off an infection. We had a chest x-ray done and noticed that her lungs look hazier than we’d like. At this point, this should be better. We’re closely monitoring her breathing. We should have results from the cultures in 24 hours.”
We went in to spend some time with her. She was so peaceful and so pretty and perfect. I had a hard time leaving her. But I know that if I don’t make myself walk out of her room I won’t get better. And I need to be okay to be strong for her.
Before we even left the hospital I got a phone call from the doctor saying that our girl was still not doing well with her breathing. So, they’ve put her on a ventilator. They’ve also drawn blood and have determined that her platelet count is too low. They will keep running tests to make sure it doesn’t get too low. If it does then she’ll receive a platelet transfusion.
Can I be honest? I am having a really hard time praying. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t. I don’t have words. All I have are tears. And also…I’m a little angry. I know He has a perfect plan for my sweet angel, but I’m struggling with not knowing a lot about it. My mom asked me, “Do you trust Him with EVERYTHING?” The simple answer is that I do. Because she is everything. My whole world is lying in that NICU bed and I just need her to be okay.
Here is the most recent photo of her perfect little face.
If you pray, we need you right now. We need every single prayer we can get for our baby girl.